Christmas 1–liner is a good way to share a Jokes or with your loved ones!
1. I've checked it twice, and I'm sure you're on my “naughty” list.
2. You are what I want for Christmas.
3. Are you interested in seeing the “North Pole?”
4. How about I slip down YOUR chimney, at half past midnight?
5. That's not a candy cane in my pocket. I'm just glad to see you!
6. Come sit on my lap. I've got a special gift just for you.
7. Wanna meet Santas little helper?
8. Wanna check out my mistletoe belt buckle?
9. Shouldn't you be sitting on top of the tree, Angel?
10. Even Santa doesnt make candy as sweet as you.
11. Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
12. If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?
13. I can't wait to unwrap your present!
14. Would you like to learn a few “reindeer games?”
15. Those aren't sugarplums dancing through my head, it's all you.
16. I've got your stocking stuffer right here!
17. Would you like to go to my place and light my Yule log?
18. What do you say we make this a not-so-silent night?
19. Believe me, if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.
20. I've got something you can hang a wreath on.
Showing posts with label One Liner. Show all posts
Showing posts with label One Liner. Show all posts
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Clever Pick Up Lines | One liners | Good pick up lines
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.
You with those curves, and me with no brakes ...
Aw, girl, I'm gonna have to put you on my "To Do" List!
Save a horse -- ride a cowboy.
Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
What do you say we go back to my crib and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply
Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration. a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination, to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
I have a six inch tongue and I can breath through my ears
My boys over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.
You with those curves, and me with no brakes ...
Aw, girl, I'm gonna have to put you on my "To Do" List!
Save a horse -- ride a cowboy.
Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
What do you say we go back to my crib and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply
Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration. a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination, to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
I have a six inch tongue and I can breath through my ears
My boys over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?
Saturday, May 29, 2010
20 Twitter Pick Up Lines | 2010 Twitter one Liners
1. You sound kind of dumb on Twitter, but I'll give you a chance to redeem yourself in person.
2. (in reply to her posting a cute cat picture) That cat's adorable but nowhere near as cute mine. You should come check her out sometime.
3. (in reply to a drunk tweet) Whoa! Don't Drink-n-Tweet. Not unless I'm there drinking and tweeting with you.
4. You look cute and seem interesting but all your tweets make you sound pretty boring. Two out of three aint bad. (let her reply, "Hey, I'm not boring!" and you respond "Prove it!")
5. (in reply to an "Eating sushi right now" tweet) You're sick! Can you stop making sex jokes over Twitter? This is not the forum. (she'll reply "I wasn't being sexual!" and you keep acting like you don't believe her)
6. You're on twitter an awful lot. I'm sorry you don't have any friends in the real world. (keep playfully teasing her for a few rounds and then ask if she wants to meet up)
7. Ha! Your profile picture is using a Myspace angle. You must either be fat or really confident. (will prod her to saying she's confident... women love being goaded into complimenting themselves)
8. You're a little know-it-all on here. Okay, what do I do for a living? If you get it wrong, you have to take me to dinner. (if she gets it right, you take her dinner... win, win!)
9. Your tweets belay your old soul. Here's hoping you don't have old-looks too.
10. (Tweet your phone number) Shit, I just sent you my number on accident. Can you call it so I can talk to you and make sure I didn't just send my # to a creep.
11. Dude, I have the craziest story, but I can't share it on Twitter. What's your #, I'll call you and tell you about it.
12. How old's that profile picture? It looks like it was taken in the 90s. (She'll send a new one and you keep saying the pictures look old until she agrees to meet)
13. You seem really cool on here. I'd totally hang out with you in person if I wasn't afraid you were a creepy stalker. (she says she's not one... push that button for a few rounds and then say, "okay fine, let's meet but only in public")
14. You Tweet about EVERYTHING. I'd be into hanging out but I'm afraid you'd blab about us on Twitter. (she says she won't, then you take that as a tacit agreement to meet up)
15. I don't think you're old enough to be on here. I'm not sure you can hang with the big boys.
16. Before you ask, no I will not send nude pictures of myself. I don't know you!
17. I feel like I should be really into you, but I'm not. What's wrong?
18. (after Twitter goes down) Dude, they tracked the Twitter outage to your account. Stop crashing Twitter! (keep blaming her, if she buys it, say she can make up for it by going on a date)
19. (She "follows" you) Yo, stop stalking me online! (she'll say she's not stalking you and probably unfollow you... reply "Whoa, now you've hurt my feelings... I've just had people play with me on here before" Then tell her a story about a chick playing with your emotions on Twitter... keep pushing for her to reply, "I wouldn't do that!"... then you're in)
20. I'm switching to a new account and I told all the cool people what it is. You think you can hang? (she'll say she doesn't care at first, then she'll beg to prove herself... then on the new account, you're in)
2. (in reply to her posting a cute cat picture) That cat's adorable but nowhere near as cute mine. You should come check her out sometime.
3. (in reply to a drunk tweet) Whoa! Don't Drink-n-Tweet. Not unless I'm there drinking and tweeting with you.
4. You look cute and seem interesting but all your tweets make you sound pretty boring. Two out of three aint bad. (let her reply, "Hey, I'm not boring!" and you respond "Prove it!")
5. (in reply to an "Eating sushi right now" tweet) You're sick! Can you stop making sex jokes over Twitter? This is not the forum. (she'll reply "I wasn't being sexual!" and you keep acting like you don't believe her)
6. You're on twitter an awful lot. I'm sorry you don't have any friends in the real world. (keep playfully teasing her for a few rounds and then ask if she wants to meet up)
7. Ha! Your profile picture is using a Myspace angle. You must either be fat or really confident. (will prod her to saying she's confident... women love being goaded into complimenting themselves)
8. You're a little know-it-all on here. Okay, what do I do for a living? If you get it wrong, you have to take me to dinner. (if she gets it right, you take her dinner... win, win!)
9. Your tweets belay your old soul. Here's hoping you don't have old-looks too.
10. (Tweet your phone number) Shit, I just sent you my number on accident. Can you call it so I can talk to you and make sure I didn't just send my # to a creep.
11. Dude, I have the craziest story, but I can't share it on Twitter. What's your #, I'll call you and tell you about it.
12. How old's that profile picture? It looks like it was taken in the 90s. (She'll send a new one and you keep saying the pictures look old until she agrees to meet)
13. You seem really cool on here. I'd totally hang out with you in person if I wasn't afraid you were a creepy stalker. (she says she's not one... push that button for a few rounds and then say, "okay fine, let's meet but only in public")
14. You Tweet about EVERYTHING. I'd be into hanging out but I'm afraid you'd blab about us on Twitter. (she says she won't, then you take that as a tacit agreement to meet up)
15. I don't think you're old enough to be on here. I'm not sure you can hang with the big boys.
16. Before you ask, no I will not send nude pictures of myself. I don't know you!
17. I feel like I should be really into you, but I'm not. What's wrong?
18. (after Twitter goes down) Dude, they tracked the Twitter outage to your account. Stop crashing Twitter! (keep blaming her, if she buys it, say she can make up for it by going on a date)
19. (She "follows" you) Yo, stop stalking me online! (she'll say she's not stalking you and probably unfollow you... reply "Whoa, now you've hurt my feelings... I've just had people play with me on here before" Then tell her a story about a chick playing with your emotions on Twitter... keep pushing for her to reply, "I wouldn't do that!"... then you're in)
20. I'm switching to a new account and I told all the cool people what it is. You think you can hang? (she'll say she doesn't care at first, then she'll beg to prove herself... then on the new account, you're in)
Tags:
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Hidden meanings Of the One liners | Funny Mean One Liners
1."We will do it" means "You will do it"
2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"
3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"
4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"
5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided , I will tell you what to do"
6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"
7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"
8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"
9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."
10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"
11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"
12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"
13."We need to find out the real reason" means " Well I will tell you where your fault is"
14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."
15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"
16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"
17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble "
18."Toooo Good" means "Send More".
2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"
3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"
4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"
5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided , I will tell you what to do"
6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"
7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"
8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"
9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."
10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"
11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"
12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"
13."We need to find out the real reason" means " Well I will tell you where your fault is"
14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."
15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"
16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"
17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble "
18."Toooo Good" means "Send More".
Tags:
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Good pick up lines for Guy | Pickup Lines to Use on Men
Are looking for a way to good pick up lines for Guy or just looking for a good laugh, you'll find both here. These pickup lines to use on men could help with both! If you're looking for more pickup lines, check out our top 101 pickup lines that can be used on both men and women.
1. If I could have you in bed, I wouldn't need the cover to keep warm.
2. Are you a fairytale? [Why?] Because you can't be for real.
3. You're just the way I like my coffee. Tall, black, and strong.
4. Is that a keg in your pants? [No, why?] Cause I'm trying to tap that.
5. You've been a bad boy! Now go to MY room!
6. I've looked for a man with a VCR and I've finally found the perfect one.... thats a Very Cute Rear by the way.
7. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your jeans.
8. Want to take a swim in my ocean?
9. If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
10. Did you fart? Cuase you blew me away.
11. I bet I could beat you at football. [No way.] Give me the ball and you tackle.
12. Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
13. Hi. [Trust us, it doesn't take much to pick up the average guy.]
14. Do you have a Band-Aid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you.
15. I may not be Wilma, but I can sure make your bedrock.
16. Do these look real?
17. Want to play fireman? We can stop, drop and roll.
18. Can I have a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
19. [Reach for the back of their shirt and look at the tag, then say:] Just what I thought, made in Heaven.
20. You know, sweetie, my lips won't just kiss themselves...
21. You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
22. I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?
1. If I could have you in bed, I wouldn't need the cover to keep warm.
2. Are you a fairytale? [Why?] Because you can't be for real.
3. You're just the way I like my coffee. Tall, black, and strong.
4. Is that a keg in your pants? [No, why?] Cause I'm trying to tap that.
5. You've been a bad boy! Now go to MY room!
6. I've looked for a man with a VCR and I've finally found the perfect one.... thats a Very Cute Rear by the way.
7. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your jeans.
8. Want to take a swim in my ocean?
9. If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
10. Did you fart? Cuase you blew me away.
11. I bet I could beat you at football. [No way.] Give me the ball and you tackle.
12. Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
13. Hi. [Trust us, it doesn't take much to pick up the average guy.]
14. Do you have a Band-Aid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you.
15. I may not be Wilma, but I can sure make your bedrock.
16. Do these look real?
17. Want to play fireman? We can stop, drop and roll.
18. Can I have a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
19. [Reach for the back of their shirt and look at the tag, then say:] Just what I thought, made in Heaven.
20. You know, sweetie, my lips won't just kiss themselves...
21. You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
22. I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?
Tags:
Monday, April 13, 2009
Clean One Liners | clean jokes one liners | Pick-Up Lines
Anyone got some clean one liners? I got a few... clean jokes for you
Hi, I'm [name] and you are...gorgeous!
Hi, I'm [name], how do you like me so far?
Hi, my name is [name], but you can call me lover.
Can you catch? because I think I'm falling in love with you.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other girls look really bad.
I must be in a museum, because you truly are a work of art.
Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Ya know, you look really hot! You must be real reason for global warming.
Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
Are you sure you're wearing make-up?
Are you accepting applications for your fan club?
I feel like Richard Gere, and I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.
Pinch me. "Why?" You're so fine I must be dreaming.
Is your father a boxer? Cause you're a knockout.
If your parents hadn't met I'd be very a very unhappy man right now.
Was you father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!
Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.
Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call your mother and thank her.
Is your father a thief? 'Cause he stole the sparkle from the stars and put it in your eyes.
You must be a heck of a thief 'cause you stole my heart from across the room.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call Fine Print!
You're so sweet, you'd put Hershey's out of business.
Do you drink milk? Cause it sure did your body good.
Is your name Gillette? Cause you look like the best a man can get.
You look like the type of girl that's heard every line in the book. So what's one more?
I'd use a cheesy pick-up line on you, but you're too smart.
I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?
Hey baby what's your sign?
So... How am I doin'?
Can I flirt with you?
Where have you been all my life?
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Excuse me, do you live around here often?
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's?
I'm sorry, were you talking to me? "No." Well then, please start.
Do you think I need my library card? Cause I'm checking you out.
You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
Date me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gertrude?
Do you like raisins? How about a date?
I lost my phone number can i borrow yours?
I'm in the process of writing a telephone book. May I have your number?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
Are you tired? 'Cause you've been running through my mind all day long.
If I said you had a great body would you hold it against me?
I hope you know CPR, cause you just took my breath away!
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin ME.
Hey, don't I know you? Oh yeah, you're the girl with the beautiful smile.
Can I have directions? "To where?" To your heart.
Inheriting one million dollars means so little when you have a weak heart.
What was that? "What?" It was the sound of my heart breaking.
Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.
Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And I'm lost at sea.
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
When I said I'd die single, I only meant that I didn't think I'd live long enough until I found you.
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...
Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"
Is there a rainbow? Cause you're the treasure I've been searching for.
If I had a rose for everytime I thought of you, I would walk in my garden forever.
[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
Did it hurt? "Did what hurt?" When you fell out of heaven?
(With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
Somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!
How was heaven when you left it?
I didn't know that angels could fly so low!
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Wow. You look like an angel. Welcome to Earth.
I think I can die happy now, cause I've just seen a piece of heaven.
For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.
Are you lost? 'Cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.
Do you believe in modern revelation? cause I believe I'm standing in front of an angel.
Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.
Hi, I'm [name] and you are...gorgeous!
Hi, I'm [name], how do you like me so far?
Hi, my name is [name], but you can call me lover.
Can you catch? because I think I'm falling in love with you.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other girls look really bad.
I must be in a museum, because you truly are a work of art.
Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Ya know, you look really hot! You must be real reason for global warming.
Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
Are you sure you're wearing make-up?
Are you accepting applications for your fan club?
I feel like Richard Gere, and I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.
Pinch me. "Why?" You're so fine I must be dreaming.
Is your father a boxer? Cause you're a knockout.
If your parents hadn't met I'd be very a very unhappy man right now.
Was you father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!
Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.
Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call your mother and thank her.
Is your father a thief? 'Cause he stole the sparkle from the stars and put it in your eyes.
You must be a heck of a thief 'cause you stole my heart from across the room.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call Fine Print!
You're so sweet, you'd put Hershey's out of business.
Do you drink milk? Cause it sure did your body good.
Is your name Gillette? Cause you look like the best a man can get.
You look like the type of girl that's heard every line in the book. So what's one more?
I'd use a cheesy pick-up line on you, but you're too smart.
I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?
Hey baby what's your sign?
So... How am I doin'?
Can I flirt with you?
Where have you been all my life?
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Excuse me, do you live around here often?
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's?
I'm sorry, were you talking to me? "No." Well then, please start.
Do you think I need my library card? Cause I'm checking you out.
You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
Date me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gertrude?
Do you like raisins? How about a date?
I lost my phone number can i borrow yours?
I'm in the process of writing a telephone book. May I have your number?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
Are you tired? 'Cause you've been running through my mind all day long.
If I said you had a great body would you hold it against me?
I hope you know CPR, cause you just took my breath away!
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin ME.
Hey, don't I know you? Oh yeah, you're the girl with the beautiful smile.
Can I have directions? "To where?" To your heart.
Inheriting one million dollars means so little when you have a weak heart.
What was that? "What?" It was the sound of my heart breaking.
Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.
Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And I'm lost at sea.
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
When I said I'd die single, I only meant that I didn't think I'd live long enough until I found you.
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...
Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"
Is there a rainbow? Cause you're the treasure I've been searching for.
If I had a rose for everytime I thought of you, I would walk in my garden forever.
[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
Did it hurt? "Did what hurt?" When you fell out of heaven?
(With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
Somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!
How was heaven when you left it?
I didn't know that angels could fly so low!
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Wow. You look like an angel. Welcome to Earth.
I think I can die happy now, cause I've just seen a piece of heaven.
For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.
Are you lost? 'Cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.
Do you believe in modern revelation? cause I believe I'm standing in front of an angel.
Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.
Tags:
Monday, April 6, 2009
Marriage One liners Jokes | Wedding One Liners
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying"
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A billionaire".
God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?" "Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me." "Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." "Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying"
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A billionaire".
God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?" "Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me." "Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." "Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
Tags:
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Funny One Liners Joke | Funny pick up lines | one liner quotes
Enjoy Funny One Liners Joke of short one line jokes. It's amazing how a dirty joke can be only in one line.
101 of the World's Funniest One Liners
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
77 Ridiculous Pick-up Lines
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
101 of the World's Funniest One Liners
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
77 Ridiculous Pick-up Lines
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
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